Join me at the pity party

I’m feeling sorry for myself.

Do you ever have that thing where something happens that feels like it’s out of your control and it feels like some greater power is personally punishing you despite all your best efforts at being a generally good human, and you get a fastpass VIP ticket to the pity party? Just me? 

I think sometimes it’s ok to have something sad happen and it’s ok to be sad about the sad thing. It’s important and healthy to feel the whole range of emotions, which truth be told I’ve not been so good at allowing to happen but this time I did. Wistfully staring out the window - check. Randomised tears - check. Eating too much pastry - check. 

But to let the pity party happen, see the lessons the party had to show you, and move on to the next is the trick, wallowing at the party alas is not.

That’s when we slip into victim mode which is fun for precisely no one. You know - the folks who always complain about how life’s always got it in for them, the train was late, the coffee was cold, why is it always me, things are just not fair. 

Oh yes, I have on occasion spent too much time at that party.

As with all these wonderful traits we collect, our victim mentality served a very important purpose to us growing up especially if you feel it wasn’t easy to be seen, heard and accepted. Your victim was a strategy to squeeze out affection from folks who seemingly couldn’t give a rats ass what you’re up to. You probably showed off or acted up to drum up attention. 

There was many a “show” put on over my early years, usually involving roping my sister in to a dance routine (hello leotards and glitter) or acrobatics (hello danger) or my own radio show taped over a double cassette player (hello let’s hope they’ve been burned) - I know now an act to try and extract love and navigate hard feelings. Mimicking a false sense of joviality to mask loneliness, melancholy, abandonment.

The reality is, hard stuff is happening to everyone all of the time, we’re all victims to life’s party, but the clincher is - the way we react to it determines how we move on from it. 

Staying at the party pity party will mean we have a negative view of life, the people in it, hold ourselves back, have no interest in action leading to improvement, difficulty in experiencing pleasure coz you’re always looking for the negs, fear of everything and everyone, and it’ll destroy your relationships with others and yourself. 

Not so fun. 

So, how do you get a VIP ticket to the Positivity Party instead?

Mind Donut

Take responsibility 

Accountability is the no 1 way to regain power and control over your feelings of hopelessness. Maybe some of it was down the actions you took, maybe some of it was just from the sweet hand of the universe. 

Taking ownership of the things that happened won’t feel that uplifting, but taking responsibility will give you a sense of control of what’s happening around you. Start gently by identifying one or two things that will make a positive difference in your life.

Look for the gifts and lessons 

Step back and look impartially at the situations that have gone before. Pick a couple and ask yourself:

What did you learn about yourself through that situation? 

What would you do differently next time? 

What was the silver lining in that situation? 

It might not be clear at first, but there will be a secret, a gem, an insight to be uncovered. 

No (thank you)

If it feels like other people control your life, this magic little word can work wonders to flex with kindness. 

N.O. Can be the hardest word to say but has the most power. It’s going to feel horrible at first, your mind will be telling you the other person hates you and will never speak to you again for saying no, but they don’t, and the more you say it the easier it becomes. Creating boundaries to regain control of your diary, your days, can create immense power. 

Look for life’s previous successes 

It hasn’t been a complete disaster. Look objectively at some of the good things, successful things that have happened. Surround yourself with real life examples of good things to prove yourself wrong. Write them down. Prove to yourself you are a good human, you are capable of good things. 

Show yourself the kindness of a friend 

What would you say to a friend who believe the world is out to f*ck things right up for them? A friend that has convinced themselves this is the way to live so they won’t be blindsided by the bad stuff that’s gone before again because they’re on constant high alert. Kindness would be to say, your experience is valid, your reaction is understandable, those feelings make sense. Kindness would be to act as a thinking partner to help figure out options and actions together. Kindness would be to help them forgive to let go of some of the resentment and destruction and anger. 

Create a magic mantra

When you notice those pity party spirals, it can help to have a few good words or actions up your sleeve to pull you out. Develop those mindfulness muscles so each time your victim makes an appearance, you’ve got the strength to lift yourself back up. 

Do and say the things that make you feel good because when you feel good you do good. 

You’re all invited to my Positivity Party.

Big love x